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This
is a section of the website that I’ve been dying to do for
ages. You know all the times you or a friend says something
memorable, and you wish you had a pen to write it down? Well
the following are examples that I actually have written down.
You see, most of these come from sitting around a bunch of
drunken mates (mainly Hatch) and thinking up the stupidest
jokes, concepts, characters, ideas for movies... ummm... well
you get the idea. Just read on. You’ll get the drift soon
enough.
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You know, I reckon it would be a cool idea to start
up a porno theme park. There will be large dildo roller-coasters,
singing animatronic genitalia, and instead of people walking around
in big, stuffy cartoon suits... well they’ll just be naked, waving
their arms (and other appendages) at the kiddies. I think I’ll call
it Jizneyland.
After Hatch makes his first million
(which was supposed to be by the time he was 18, then the deadline
was pushed back to 21... now its whenever he gets off his lazy ass
and earns it), he plans on opening his own bank. The First National
Bank of Braden. A sensitive new-age bank (snab?), the First National
Bank of Braden understands that money matters can be a sensitive
subject. You don’t want the person behind you knowing your current
state of finance. That’s why Hatch’s bank features the Cone of Silence™.
When you approach the teller, the Cone of Silence™ descends from
the ceiling (a la Get Smart), where you can privately discuss your
matters with the teller. Ofcourse, he’s not quite sure if it will
even be a money bank... or a bank at all... but it’s gotta have
the Cone of Silence™.
There just aren’t enough swear words around these
days, and the ones we have are becoming so mainstream that it’s
hardly considered swearing anymore. I mean, what’s the point of
saying “Oh Pooh-sticks!” if it doesn’t raise an eyebrow or two?
We plan on introducing more swear words into common language. The
first of these is Glig, a somewhat amusing section of the word ‘negligible’
(Don’t forget, many things become somewhat amusing after the required
amount of alcohol). Next, and probably the better of the two, is
Scrog. Thank’s to Noel for that one. Just listen to the sound of
it. Get scrogged! Scrog off! Woo hoo!
Where do lesbians keep their bottles
of alcohol? My guess. A Licker Cabinet. Sorry folks, but that was
just so funny at the time.
Following a drunken conversation with Hatch, I
wrote down the following sentence. “Sheet therapy, in place of colonic
irrigation.” Your guess is as good as mine on that one I’m afraid.
Update: After umming and aahing
for about 30 minutes, Hatch was finally able to remind me what
this meant. Who needs an enema when you can swallow one end
of a bed sheet, grab it when it comes out the other end, and
pull back and forth on both ends... like human floss... guaranteed
to flush out your system. CLICK
HERE for a crude diagram.
"Mick and Fran Drescher's Porno Hour"
Another cryptic scribbled message that I can't quite remember the
story behind. I think it had something to do with a porno that Fran
Drescher was in.
More to come, as more alcohol is consumed.
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